I guess I’m no good.. I guess I’m insane.

While reading: http://cheatingmyself.wordpress.com/2010/09/09/mental-illness-and-cheating/

It got me thinking about how I’ve recently been pondering my mental status. I’ve said, more than once, “maybe I need to go back on medicine, could it be my bipolar showing up?”. I have yet to discuss this with a doctor, I almost don’t want to. I can’t imagine having to tell a doctor, that I don’t know, “I told my husband I would sleep with other men, with his permission. Is this my bipolar?” The numbness I felt while on medication previously, isn’t something I would necessarily want to repeat. But- what if I don’t really want these things? Okay, maybe I’d still want them, but would be able to push it out of my mind easier. Is it the impulsive, promiscuous side of my nature just pushing through?

On the numbness issue, I’ve never felt as numb and devoid of all feeling as a couple of weeks ago. Everything was a fog, a haze. One day, I woke up and that nothingness had lessened. I’m still depressed, I still feel impulsive. I am actually feeling though.. At what price?

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Posted on September 9, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. Oh no! Not you, too?

    I say see the doc and try something different, preferably with a different doctor. If the drugs make you feel numb, they’re not working right. It took me over a year of trial and error with my doc to find the right combo, but once I did it changed my life. I didn’t feel numb anymore; in fact, I felt more alive than I ever remember.

    I used to get that numb, hazy feeling all the time. My doctor told me that it’s a symptom of serotonin levels getting critically low. When you run out of the compounds that your brain uses to imprint your emotions, you end up feeling nothing at all.

    Sorry if I sound like a pharmaceutical representative. Psychotropic drugs really made a positive difference in my life, though. I’m still screwed up, obviously, but at least now I can face my emotions instead of letting them control me. I would give the drugs a try, and if they make you feel numb try something different.

    • I really need to.. 😦 For some reason I keep putting it off. I’m like one of those crazies who thinks they can just handle it themselves. *At the same time, I know I probably can’t. The numbness I experienced while on meds, was more like… I could feel, but I couldn’t even cry. It had to be something way intense for any tears to shed. The serotonin levels getting low was interesting, I didn’t even think about that. This was just a few weeks ago, and it was one of the most scary times of my life, involving myself.

    • Oh, and “Aaron”? I hope it was okay that I linked you in this post. 😉

  2. A-OK with me. 🙂

    Let us know what the doc says.

  3. Ha. Me too. I suffer from this Bipolar disorder thing. When I was first diagnosed at a late adult age I went crazier. Then I was over medicated for long time and I turned into the walking dead. My boss, co-workers and friends all noticed that I lacked personality. It took away my sex drive, my obsessive thinking and I moved and spoke very slow. It took a new Psychiatrist to lower my dosages and take me off certain drugs to get me back on track. Now I still feel the ups and downs and impulsivity but it’s manageable. My anxiety levels – that’s another story. Ha. It makes sense how we were connected now.

    • Ah, I’m completely on the anxiety track too. I have meds for that. But I am currently, unmedicated for the other… Keep putting it off, still. My ups and downs are starting to show more and more..
      I for some reason felt connected to you, because of your fantasizing.. Mine keeps me up at night, and distracted regularly. 😉

  4. It all depends on how much and why you want to feel. Medication can smooth things out without going numb.

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