I guess I’m no good.. I guess I’m insane.
It got me thinking about how I’ve recently been pondering my mental status. I’ve said, more than once, “maybe I need to go back on medicine, could it be my bipolar showing up?”. I have yet to discuss this with a doctor, I almost don’t want to. I can’t imagine having to tell a doctor, that I don’t know, “I told my husband I would sleep with other men, with his permission. Is this my bipolar?” The numbness I felt while on medication previously, isn’t something I would necessarily want to repeat. But- what if I don’t really want these things? Okay, maybe I’d still want them, but would be able to push it out of my mind easier. Is it the impulsive, promiscuous side of my nature just pushing through?
On the numbness issue, I’ve never felt as numb and devoid of all feeling as a couple of weeks ago. Everything was a fog, a haze. One day, I woke up and that nothingness had lessened. I’m still depressed, I still feel impulsive. I am actually feeling though.. At what price?