over analyzing..


I always had what I would describe as a “thing” for being dominant. But I could never fully put myself into it. I would occasionally smack my hubs with the crop but it was normally a laughing matter. Not really to be taken seriously. I eventually decided my horse crop and flogger needed to touch flesh, for real. I’ve written about this before, how my hubs eventually got into doing these things. But I just now realized, it was for me. Yes, I asked him to act a certain way, to hit me with objects, but I didn’t command him to do it.

I ran across a blog post, http://delvingintodeviance.wordpress.com/2011/06/03/the-devaluation-of-male-submission/. Something that was said struck me:

I love pain. It makes me come. I instruct him in exactly what kind of pain I like and how to administer it, just as I tell him exactly how I want him to lick my cunt or finger me. I tell my submissive to do something that makes me come, and he does it. Exterior trappings or individual acts are not what make dominance and submission. It is the connection, the control; one person leading another on a journey of trust and intimacy. I am the one who leads.

Since “I am the one who leads” in those situations in my life, does that make me the dominant? Even though he is “acting” as one?

I haven’t written about one of the last times we pulled a prop out. It was my flogger, and I am pretty sure he was the one who said to get it. But once it was out, I instructed him what to do.

He was to hit and tease me with it, while I played with myself. I also wanted him to tell me to do things and if I said ‘no’, to hit me with the flogger. This worked incredible, my skin pink, from excitement and the lingering of leather to flesh. I came incredibly hard as the flogger continuously fondled and stung me.

After, he shoved his cock into my face and said “Suck my dick.”

Wanting to follow through on our plan, I looked him straight in the face, “No.”

Then he broke! He sheepishly nodded and said, “Okay.”

I got irritated- “What the fuck? You are supposed to tell me I have to. And hit me if I balk.” 

He slipped back into dominant mode and did as I had instructed him. This was incredible, albeit slightly unreal because I knew he was really having to think about what was happening, not just doing.

So here’s my source of pondering, am I the dominant one? The line is too blurry for me to see clearly.

Posted on September 26, 2011, in Life and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. To my mind, the way D/s works is that both parties negotiate ahead of time, establishing what turns each of them on and what each of their hard limits are – but once an actual scene begins, the sub submits. As in, relinquishes control of the scene and revels in the powerlessness of not knowing what the dom will do next. The only control the sub has during a scene is the ability to safeword when he or she wants it to stop.

    The fact that you’re maintaining strict control all the way through indicates to me that you’re either dominant and a masochist, or a bottom. Not a sub per se.

    Although as long as you’re both having fun, who cares what everyone’s official title is, anyway? 🙂

  2. 🙂 I can’t decide if it’s a girl thing, or just a certain type of people thing. And I figure, people that have blogs, are normally analyzers. 😉

  3. Last year I was asking myself if I was a sub or bottom. Like you I wanted to know what role I was. The thing I found out it doesn’t really matter what my role is… Just be who you are and enjoy the ride. 🙂

  4. To my mind, this makes you the dominant: whether you are demanding to be licked, fingered, fucked, raped or flogged, you are the one in control.

    But (and here I have two buts…) but, does it actually matter what the label says if you’re enjoying yourselves?

    But, there is surely every possibility that hubs will enjoy your reactions to the pain, will enjoying causing your pleasure and as sure as Pavlov’s dogs got their supper, sooner or later he’s likely to WANT to whip you, if he sees that that gets you off.

    That’ll be 2 cents please.

    sev xx

  5. Sounds to me like you’re a switch. You take the reins when you need to but can also relinquish then when he wants them.

  6. Late in on the conversation, but anyway…

    The only control the sub has during a scene is the ability to safeword when he or she wants it to stop.

    I feel that this is a misconceptualization. I feel that this is exactly what’s made it difficult if not impossible for me to enjoy my submissive sexuality.

    Because I do not relinquish all control to Wonderboy, when I submit. I’m still a real person. I am not my role in the play.

    Sure, he can force me into things, and he’d better, but there are also things I can tell him and instruct him with that he can’t overlook. Like, if I’m hurting the wrong way or uncomfortable or get too scared. This does not make me a dom or a top. I know some people might consider these instances worth safewording, but I reserve the safeword to a powerful, fast and furious moment gone wrong. Saying stop, this hurts but not in a good way is usually enough for us to change things into something that works. Me yelling no, no, no, please don’t is part of the play.

    I feel that it’s incredibly difficult to negotiate what I want and need to come in a sexual situation, because of the way submissiveness or d/s roles in general are seen as rigid categories that cannot intertwine. I am not a switch, the flip side doesn’t turn me on. But even if I tell WB what to do he’ll still decide, if he wants to grant me the things I need or not.

    Also, the clueless “are you going to hurt my nipples now, oh no, not the nipples!” is often as much of a instruction as asking him to do it. Just saying put your creativeness into playing and you don’t have to wait around for the pleasure to emerge from thin air.

    If only…

    • This was a quote from Perverse Cowgirl above,

      “The only control the sub has during a scene is the ability to safeword when he or she wants it to stop.”

    • Thanks for your point of view RB. Lately my submissive desires seem to be waning. I haven’t done any real play with props or anything. But everytime he spanks me or holds me down, instead of excited I just end up feeling.. Blah. I obviously can’t really explain it right now. I think I am going to ponder on this, and possibly write a post out of it. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: