Monthly Archives: May 2012
staying in between the lines..
I had a bit of a revelation. I can’t say that I didn’t already know it, or that it is a big deal. My thoughts have just been swept away by it. Before I got married, I was always able to satisfy my curiosity. If I met a man, found him interesting, attractive, I wanted to know.. Know how he’d feel against me, how he’d feel in me, how his mouth would kiss mine. Where his hands would stray, what conversations we may have. Overall just general curiosity, a yearning for knowledge of people.
I’ve been thinking, just because I satisfied that with one man, making a decision to keep learning him for an undetermined amount of time, the need for knowledge of others did not go away. I’ve found myself slipping slightly back into my previous character, doing things or wanting to do things that I haven’t done in years. Touching for no reason, itching to shock people with inappropriate statements, really just take my flirtatious self to the next level.
I know that the need to satisfy is always there. Even if it lay almost dormant for years, I doubt it’s something that will go away. It’s a part of the person that I am. I can’t feel wrong about that.
Every late Saturday night or early Sunday morning, it’s a ritual for me to check Postsecret. Last night, this one was a few down, and I was struck with thoughts. How many people have been through something similar to this?
I know that while the things I may want possibly seem tame, my very vanilla husband, can’t quite grasp any understanding of them. It’s been over a year and a half since I first mentioned that I was interested by “open” relationships. I had always joked about interest in women, but I also brought that to the forefront. After the huge fight we had, where I thought I honestly might leave, we kinda just dropped it. But it has consistently hung over us like some dirty fog. Anytime anything even remotely related to people going outside of their relationships is mentioned, he gets almost furious. The interest in women bothers him less, but I feel it definitely still grates a little.
I wonder how long this will stay with us. The fact that I was open and honest, and he shut me down. Pretty much acting as if there was something wrong with me. I wonder about the secret writer, does it still hang over him or did she actually believe he was joking?
I know other people who have dealt with similar things, and I think it leads to resentment on the part of the honest party. When you love someone, and that person can’t love you for who you are… It’s sad.