never seem to get far enough

staying in between the lines..

I had a bit of a revelation. I can’t say that I didn’t already know it, or that it is a big deal. My thoughts have just been swept away by it. Before I got married, I was always able to satisfy my curiosity. If I met a man, found him interesting, attractive, I wanted to know.. Know how he’d feel against me, how he’d feel in me, how his mouth would kiss mine. Where his hands would stray, what conversations we may have. Overall just general curiosity, a yearning for knowledge of people.

I’ve been thinking, just because I satisfied that with one man, making a decision to keep learning him for an undetermined amount of time, the need for knowledge of others did not go away. I’ve found myself slipping slightly back into my previous character, doing things or wanting to do things that I haven’t done in years. Touching for no reason, itching to shock people with inappropriate statements, really just take my flirtatious self to the next level.

I know that the need to satisfy is always there. Even if it lay almost dormant for years, I doubt it’s something that will go away. It’s a part of the person that I am. I can’t feel wrong about that.

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Posted on May 19, 2012, in Life and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. Damnit, I need to be in your part of the country so you can see where my hands will stray.

  2. Nope you can’t feel wrong about who you are girl… None of us shuldn’t.

  3. It’s too bad that we, when we get married, mostly sign away are ability to do the things you write about. It’s such basic human nature, but we deny it in order to live within an invented paradigm. if we stray, we’re very bad people, but the system almost guarantees we’ll stray because it goes against our very exploratory nature. Nature trumps social convention in the end.

    • Very true Ken. I’ve thought the same things. Funny that you commented on this today because my big mouth ran away from me earlier. I said to a man, “I don’t need to do something that could kill me to get an adrenaline rush. While it may get me in trouble, there are other things I can do.” What a loaded statement, I got that rush when I said it. 😉

  4. I know what you mean… But I do feel bad about it, because it’s not only curiousity, it’s also looking for validation. (For me) And I think I shouldn’t need it: how can someone who means nothing to me give me validation? I can do things, yes, but they’re actually not what I want. If I stray, I go looking for something and get a hollow replica of what I could get from my love, if I just tried enough. Sometimes I think it’s just that I need to let go, and that’s what it is. Letting go a little. Not trying so hard.

    • I think there is definitely a level of validation in it. Maybe when you are so sure of what you have, (for me at least) it’s difficult to know how much you are still wanted. In my head, I wonder if it’s really me, or just the easy availability of me to him. You said: Not trying so hard. That makes me feel like shit, because when it comes to sexually, I don’t try really. Sure I try to please him, but it’s not an over the top thing. I know that even a small amount of effort will please. And I’m left with that security that, he’s there, not going anywhere. Obviously I’m not in my husband’s mind, this is just how I feel about it. Sometimes no amount of “trying” can replicate the feeling of someone unknown being attracted to you in my opinion though…

  5. I know the feeling. Or did I say that already?

    I’m sorry, if what I said seemed like “you just need to try more”. Not everything is set with trying of course. I’ve just noticed that in my life I start to wonder, when things are not working as well as I’d wish, when it’s hard to even communicate, when my needs are not being met. And a lot of that would be *better*, if I was better at communicating. It wouldn’t be perfect and it probably wouldn’t eliminate all desire to try someone else… But it goes a long way, when you just feel so fulfilled byt what only he can do with you. Because he knows you and loves you.

    I do think that we (must) choose each other again and again – and we do – by not cheating or not leaving the other emotionally or otherwise. But I think that wanting the validation, for me anyways, is rooted in some deep seated fear of not being enough. I know just what I’m worth by seeing, who I can get to play with. But it’s not real, is it? What would they sacrifice for me? Not a lot. And even if they did – I wouldn’t want *them*.

    I think it’s pretty problematic to consider the availability versus real desire anyway. O’ve sometimes thought about that, when I’ve had to sate my own desires because of my higher libido. I want sex a lot, and I want it even if I’m single. So – do I always want *him* – because he is my love or do I just plain want sex/an orgasm? Ha. But I have chosen him and I choose him again when I try communicate my needs and be good to him, isn’t that enough? It’s not easy by any means. For me it’s not.

    Sure I try to please him, but it’s not an over the top thing. I know that even a small amount of effort will please.

    This makes me feel sort of uncertain. I mean – you don’t have to jump through hoops, use stims and vibrating space dildos and wear PVC and take it anyway he likes to try to make it work. But it sounds like you’d want to be made to try more? 🙂 Is he too easy for you?

    • Bambi.. This may be a ramble, but I’m just going to type as I think.
      Maybe I DO want him to make me try more. There really isn’t a chase, I get frustrated easily. If he is tired and unresponsive, I just say fuck it. Because a lot the time, even if I do try, I don’t get anything out of it. He and I are on completely different schedules. I like it at night, he likes it in the morning. I am NOT a morning person, but to comprimise, I normally do it once a week in the morning. He normally does it once a week at night, and maybe there is an early evening another day in the week. Occasionally we’ll fuck on lunch break. The only time I’m really not receptive, is the mornings. You can’t ever tell when he will want it. And he’s a horny forty-something man. 🙂

      A big part of when I say “I don’t really try..” is things like, I’m too impatient to give him a BJ to completion. Which is fucked! Because I gave all my other serious partners bj’s to completion. But, I know he’s not going to leave me over it. It’s another part of that “chase”. I’m secure. There is no security in flirting with others. No, it may not be real. But it must be real on some level. It’s real in the aspect of, “If I could, I would fuck this person. Or they would want to fuck me.”

      I definitely wouldn’t (even as single) fuck everyone I flirt with, but some, yes I would. And THAT is real to me. Idk.

      **And those last few statements I mean as a.. Single or in an open relationship situation of course. **

      I love the input though! Keep giving it! 🙂

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