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I’m too scared…

Possibly my favorite song at the moment..

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medicated

1253497253happy

I guess I’m no good.. I guess I’m insane.

While reading: http://cheatingmyself.wordpress.com/2010/09/09/mental-illness-and-cheating/

It got me thinking about how I’ve recently been pondering my mental status. I’ve said, more than once, “maybe I need to go back on medicine, could it be my bipolar showing up?”. I have yet to discuss this with a doctor, I almost don’t want to. I can’t imagine having to tell a doctor, that I don’t know, “I told my husband I would sleep with other men, with his permission. Is this my bipolar?” The numbness I felt while on medication previously, isn’t something I would necessarily want to repeat. But- what if I don’t really want these things? Okay, maybe I’d still want them, but would be able to push it out of my mind easier. Is it the impulsive, promiscuous side of my nature just pushing through?

On the numbness issue, I’ve never felt as numb and devoid of all feeling as a couple of weeks ago. Everything was a fog, a haze. One day, I woke up and that nothingness had lessened. I’m still depressed, I still feel impulsive. I am actually feeling though.. At what price?

curiousity kitten..

I’m thinking that listening to Counting Crows is probably a bad idea in my current frame of mind. I find myself relating to the girls he’s singing about. 🙂

all this pain is an illusion…

Today, was my first day not feeling depressed in a while. If I allow myself to dwell on problems, it would return. Instead, I’m thinking of a smile I saw today. I’m listening to Tool and realizing, that maybe I’m not as fucked up as I thought. I’m wondering where my life is leading. I’m reading a funny book. I’m napping while dreaming of being hugged. I’m feeling a little content with my looks. I’m resting my head on my puppy, while he licks my nose. Today, I’m noticing the little things. Today, I’ve had that smile to console me.