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let it go; it won’t be long now

The most common sexual conversation the Hubs and I have been having for around six months is the debate of anal sex. I’ve always felt myself an open and adventurous person but this has consistently been a ‘no’ coming out of my mouth. A little backstory..

When I was eighteen, bright eyed and curious, I had a ‘friends with benefits’ situation with a twenty-three year old. He had obviously done a lot more than I had, and was very open with his past to me. I knew that a previous girlfriend and he had done anal frequently. I was interested, intrigued. Finally one night I decided to give it a try. A little liquor in me, (but in no way intoxicated) I felt ready.

Here’s the thing, I barely remember the lead up, or even much about it. Other than the fact that it was extremely painful. I ponder now if there wasn’t enough lube, if I just wasn’t ready, if he wasn’t the right one to try it with. I do remember that he was very gentle and understanding, once the tears sprang from my eyes he withdrew. Never did we try again.

This was seven years ago, and I can’t get over it. I can’t push away the memory of how horrid it was. Even though I really want to try it, my paranoia is overtaking my desire. I’ve told the Hubs that when I am ready, I will definitely let him know. He is a somewhat of a flip-flopper on this subject. While we fuck he begs me to stick it in my ass, then later will say he was just fucking around. He’s used his fingers some, normally I am okay, sometimes I have to tell him to stop. I have even told him that his cock is so big it intimidates me. Yet, I love for him to just touch it, for him to fuck me doggie style his body hitting into it hard, or pushing my ass cheeks apart.

This is definitely the one thing I am trying to open my mind to. Even buying some expensive new lube recently, hoping to let him know, it won’t be long now…

Sex At Dawn

sexatdawn_pb5

As a recent, yet avid, listener of Dan Savage’s podcast “Savage Love”, I heard him mention a book several times. I picked it up from Amazon after reading a Kindle sample.

 

After reading it, I felt I had to mention it, as some of my like-minded bloggers might want to check it out. I learned so many things that I knew nothing about, and really made me expand my mind on the things I thought I knew. I have already discussed the book with some of my close friends/husband. It definitely gets things perked up in a conversation.

the good girl

The hubs told me last week about a conversation he had with an old friend. It centered around his life, and how things were. The thing that stood out the most to me, and caused me to gaze at him open-mouthed was when he said, “I told her that I did the exact opposite of what I normally would have. I found someone who wasn’t a ‘bad girl’.” He then looks to my odd expression and says, in all seriousness, “I would have never dated someone like you.”

I’ve been perplexed by this statement ever since. Yes, I am not one to want to party all the time. But other than that, I would say I am not necessarily living a conventional existence, well not in my head at least. He knows a little of my fantasies, and certain sexual proclivities. When he and I met, I was in my sexual heyday, allowing myself to go after what I wanted, even if it was just a one night stand. And as a friend before becoming my lover, he knew of my exploits.

Sadly I didn’t pursue this topic, just sitting in shock. He did add, “But then you introduced me to toys, so maybe I was a little off..” I guess I am a lady in public, freak in private. Winking smile

all this pain is an illusion…

Today, was my first day not feeling depressed in a while. If I allow myself to dwell on problems, it would return. Instead, I’m thinking of a smile I saw today. I’m listening to Tool and realizing, that maybe I’m not as fucked up as I thought. I’m wondering where my life is leading. I’m reading a funny book. I’m napping while dreaming of being hugged. I’m feeling a little content with my looks. I’m resting my head on my puppy, while he licks my nose. Today, I’m noticing the little things. Today, I’ve had that smile to console me.

Surfaced with the blame…

After our conversation last week things have been odd. He had told me, not to worry about it. Apparently it was as if I had never said a word. As days pass, I’m noticing his increasingly veiled comments.
“Were you attracted to him?” Nods in the direction of a guy.
“Yes.” No point in withdrawing the honesty now.

“I was at her house earlier.. I’ve been going over there quite a bit.” He’s joking..
Trying to bait me? See if I’ll act jealously?

I am left pondering, is he coming around to the idea? Or just making me think that telling him was okay?